100 ways to drive Captain Jack Sparrow insane
by Saphalina
Summary: previously called twenty ways to drive captain jack sparrow insane. Does exactly what it says on the tin, a list of things that you could do to drive our beloved Sparrow slowly insane.
1. And so it begins

Twenty ways to drive Captain Jack Sparrow insane

Tell him there was a mix up with his order of rum and the fifty cases of rum he has is actually water.

Tell him you think that the monkey would make a better Captain as at least he managed to stay on longer.

Endlessly tell him he has something in his teeth

Slap him and tell him "Yes you really DID deserve that!"

Tell him that some men are there to see him about the payment of the Black Pearl and that they mentioned something about legs and breaking but you're not quite sure what they meant.

Ask him if he was once attacked by a swarm of flies and if that's why he does the exaggerated hand movements.

Constantly refer to the Pearl as a "rowing boat"

Step on the back of his boots

Whilst he's asleep shave off one of his eyebrows and half of his moustache (opposite sides).

When he asks you whether he has ever given you a reason not to trust him, raise an eyebrow and reply "do you really want me to answer that question, because I don't think you have four hours for my to list the reasons"

When he gets frustrated or angry ask him if it's his time of the month

Ask him "were you bullied as a child? Did they think you were a eunuch? Is that why you call Will one?"

Incessantly ask him if he likes men

Ask him if each of the belts he wears represents one of his split personalities

Ask him if he was born with the bone attached to his hair or if it just got caught in his hair one day and he has yet to realise that its there

Act really drunk then go up to him and say "woah, you have some good rum but next time you should get more for your secret stash, it only took my 10 minutes to drink it all"

Yodel every where you go

Scream and tell him his hand is only made from bones, then tell him that it must have been a trick of the light

Every time Jack mentions that the Black Pearl is freedom, contradict him by telling him that your stuck there, and you don't consider that freedom

Look at him, tut and shake your head then walk away, leaving him confused

**A/N Okay this is the first time I have ever written something like this and I hope you all enjoyed it.**

**Review, Review, Review, Review, Review, Review, Review!!!!!**

**Mucho gracias**

**Saphalina xxx**


	2. tick tock tick tock

**A/N here's another twenty ways to drive captain Jack Sparrow insane. Enjoy!**

Twenty more ways to drive captain jack sparrow insane

When he starts shouting at the crew steer him away saying loudly that its time for his medicine and nice nap.

Kiss him then lean backwards and say "oops sorry, I thought you were will"

Tell him repeatedly that Norrington rox your sox.

Every time he says something reply "huh?" or "what?"

Walk behind him shouting "roll up roll up, come see the freak with hair and makeup, that's it gentlemen come on now, try not to startle it"

Get everyone to act like chickens

Make up your own words, and insist they are real

whilst he's asleep, dress him as a woman then wake him up by shouting "there's a fire on deck, quick!!!" and watch him run around deck in a dress as everyone laughs at him

Threaten to maroon him with no rum

Walk behind him counting his steps "one, two, three, four"

Tie a blindfold over his eyes whilst he's asleep and sit back and watch his confusion.

Constantly tell him that he has a smudge of dirt under his eye

Call him "Jackie poo"

Continuously snicker behind his back for no apparent reason

Make sea noises behind his back

Set those animal traps with the hoop of rope **(a/n you know what I mean) **with rum as bate

Tell him that he's mean, but never say why.

Put ALL the rum into a big tub, put all of his clothes and bedding in it, then tell him if he really want to drink rum he can suck his clothes dry.

Constantly prod him in the back.

Blow in his ear when he's trying to concentrate.

**A/N Okay people, I'm extremely disappointed in you, I know that there were at least 111 hits on my previous chapter and yet I only received 4 reviews!!! So I would like loads more reviews or this "story" meets it's doom, savvy? Lol**

**Seriously though people REVIEW! Go on click that button it only takes like a minute**


	3. and to the mental asylum we go

**A/N Okay I would like to credit _Twister the Dragon_ as she has a similar story to this one and I am going to dedicate this chapter to her. That's it, so on with driving Captain Jack Sparrow insane.**

**20 way to drive Captain Jack Sparrow insane**

**Chapter three – and to the mental asylum we go.**

**Spray him with really strong perfume…every morning**

**Dilute his rum with water (or dilute his grog even further)**

**Buy him hundreds of Teddy bears and put them all in his room.**

**Insist on taking out all of his beads and trinkets from his hair, brushing it and redoing it "properly"**

**Ask him where he got every single one of his beads from**

**Hide his kohl**

**Draw ridiculous cartoons of him and insist on his opinion of them**

**When he tries to talk to you, cut him off saying "Do you mind? I was talking to the wall." And then proceed to talk to the wall.**

**Ask him if he fancies Will because he's always teasing him and it's a well known fact that guys tease people they like.**

**Ask him how he knows Will is a eunuch **

**Ask him if he's ever slept with Will**

**Redecorate his room**

**Move all of him furniture around so that when he comes in at night he trips over everything**

**Put blue eye shadow and lipstick on him whilst he's asleep**

**Make him wash EVERY day**

**Sing a pirates life for me but out of tune and with the wrong lyrics**

**Wash and iron all of his clothes and then when he wears them say "aww isn't it sweet. You look just like Norrington now, a real gentleman."**

**Every time he walks up to you scream hysterically and run away**

**Act as if he's insulted you and you are about to cry (trust me guys hate girls crying…they cant cope, lol)**

**Whilst he's asleep put his hand in a tub of cold water**

**Okay, there was chapter three for y'all so I want reviews damn it. If you can read it you can review it, only takes a moment.**


	4. Argh make it stop

**A/N Here it is the penultimate chapter, as there will only be 5 chapters. I want to say thankyou to all of my wonderful reviewers;**

KRiSTiN-ANNE-

ReAwaken

Anatonia

Smithy

ScarletRosePetal

iamanundeadmonkey

Emily

Mew Mew Orange

Lydia Sparrow

DarlingOfAngelsDemonsSaints

Jousting Elf with a Sabre

Crowned Black Hearts .pub

Anonymous

Matteic

Jack Sparrow's pirate chick

Pixiespryte

20 ways to drive Captain Jack Sparrow insane

Chapter four – Argh…make it stop

Follow him around singing "I know a song that will get on your nerves"

Label every thing with sticky notes. And I mean EVERYTHING

Shout out random words when in a conversation with him

Twitch all the time and when he asks you about it, pretend you don't know what he's talking about

Walk and talk backwards

Flick things at him whilst his back is turned and when he turns around look away quickly and start whistling

Fill his boots with rum

Leave him secret admire notes and sign them from Gibbs

Every time you see him, giggle manically

Every hour stare at him for five minutes. Don't say anything just stare.

Walk around talking to yourself

Sing opera

Walk sideways

Dress exactly like him

Tell him that rum is poisonous and it will in fact end up killing him, therefore rum is his enemy

Lean in as if you are about to kiss him then walk off, do this repeatedly

Scream hysterically, then act as if nothing happened

When he starts talking to you, clamp your hands over your ears

Buy him an extremely vicious cat.

When he opens his mouth to start talking tell him to shut up before he can even say anything

IMPORTANT – I AM CHANGING THE TITLE OF THIS "STORY" TO 100 WAYS TO DRIVE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW INSANE, SO YE BE WARNED

**A/N there you, chapter 4 for you all, hope you've enjoyed it, please review, if you want to flame me please actually say what's wrong with it.**

**If you review you get your name put at the top of the chapter for everyone to see so you can feel special, so to feel special please review**

**Also i'm thinking of writing a small similar story to this for Norrington, tell me what you think in your review**

**Muchas Gracias**

**Saphalina xxx**


	5. welcome to insaneville

**Thank you my reviewers, here are your names just to make you feel oh so special;**

DarlingOfAngelsDemonsAndSaints

Jack Sparrow's Pirate Chick

Anatonia

Smithy

Popcorn Day USA

CrystalSkywalker

Emma

Dream Dolphin13

Royal07

iamanundeadmonkey

muldoon-the-warden

Matteic

ScarletRosePetal

C.Cslyfan

Ariel Sparrow

KRiSTiN-ANNE-

**A/N I would also like to mention I story similar to this one for Ardeth off of the Mummy that I co-wrote with my friend Jazmine.B she is under my favourite authors, so please look it up, anyways on with the story**

**100 ways to drive Captain Jack Sparrow insane**

**Chapter five: welcome to insane-ville, how may I help you?**

Talk with a Russian accent

Repeat everything he says

Repeat everything you say three times and then say "do you get it now or do you want me to repeat it?"

Kiss him on the forehead when you're wearing lipstick to leave lip prints, and don't tell him that they're there

Moan about how you never have anything to do

Clean everything all the time, literally mopping behind people as they walk

Use all of his kohl on your self

Ask him if he's ever heard of a dentist

Make a list of all the things that you are going to do to annoy him then leave it around for him to see.

Talk with an OTT pirate accent

Run around screaming and running into things.

Wink suggestively at him all the time.

Look over board and shout "OMG! Look there's water"

Ask him why they keep water in barrels when they are surrounded by water for miles.

Take everything he says literally e.g. when he asks for a word, only let him say one word.

Give him a hair cut in his sleep

Call him Norrington

Never call him Captain Sparrow

Put glitter in his hair

Stand behind him rocking backwards and forwards, laughing manically.

**A/N Please review, even if this is finished I read all reviews and will reply to every single last one since I cant write your names at the top anymore.**

**I'm sorry guys but that's the end, there has been a drought in my once sea of ideas. But on the Brightside I am going to write a Norrington version and until then, please feel free to read my other stories.**


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